I've left Virgil for good.

He was beginning to make me really unhappy, and being with him was leading me to some really awful life style choices. Right now, I just need to concentrate on making myself better, happier, and more on track. Life was beginning to be terrible. Some days I wouldn't even want to leave the comfort and warmth of my bed, in fear of what life would strike me down with that day. With Virgil, I began to feel under appreciated, taken for granted, and all around lonely. He could make me happy at times, but not enough to call it a desirable relationship. I was ignored, put down, and walked on. Recently he began to abuse me, emotionally, mentally, and more near the end, physically as well. I knew it would come. Somehow, I did. I don't know what led me to this assumption, but I came to the conclusion already a long time ago.

I guess my mother was right when she said that daughters always find their fathers when they have boyfriends. I bet if I went to see a psychiatrist, they would somehow manage to say that my relationship problems are all loosely based around my absent father. But they're the doctors, right?

My daughters, and making myself a better person are what's most important to me right now. I have to focus on getting back into school, graduating, and getting a job. I also want to start losing weight, because I'm sure that would make me feel a whole lot better too. I suppose just one step at a time though. Eventually, after I give myself time to heal from this relationship gone wrong, I could probably start dating again. Until then, it's me and my girls. Being content with life, and unphased by today's harsh realities.

Betchu just wasted a minute of life eh? Lol.

 Well, Virgil quit his job. Which is good. We love having him home and it's easier on our relationship because I actually get to spend time with him. We did how ever, have a break in this last week. We were arguing like crazy and we decided that it would be best if he left for a couple days. But now those couple days are really picking my ass. I have no idea what the guy was doing. The last time he left my house, it was for a month and he ended up sleeping with someone else. I know-- Why stay with a cheater? But I guess I'm just one of those dumb girls who hope their boyfriend will change. I seriously hope he did change and that nothing happened. It's just hard to believe he did nothing after losing the trust in the first place. He wonders why I'm so insecure when he goes out, or when he doesn't call me when he's out drinking. I tried to explain to him, that it was him who effed up my brain. He should not have cheated on me, then expected me to just forget that the whole thing ever fucking happened. He says that forgiving someone is not bringing it up every time I feel insecure. And you know what? I know I shouldn't bring it up every time I feel like he's doing it again, but he's been with me for 4 and a half fucking years and should friggin realize by now that I am a very verbal person. I have to state what I'm feeling. I can't just hold a bunch of terrible feelings in. I tried that when I was a teenager and I ended up in a two year state of depression. GO ME!

I hate being depressed, I hate taking anti depressants, and worst of all, I hate when I feel this way in front of my children. I don't like when I can't even smile for my own children. Do you know how hard it is to actually smile when you're legitimately depressed and feel like the world holds nothing for you anymore? Do you know how crappy it is to feel like your own children can't even keep you on this earth? It's so effin stupid and I hate it. I love my children. My girls are the whole world to me, I would die for them. Kaydence and Khloe are the best thing to ever happen in my life.

Back to the Virgil subject though. I have a tenancy to go waaaay off topic. He gets mad because I always want to talk about things, that I want to talk out our problems. He won't. He just holds it all in. I'm afraid that he's going to be one of those crazy guys that one day kill his whole family because he's been holding in crazy feelings for years and years. I know, very unlikely, but still. He will go crazy one day, just watch. Anyways, my girls are acting up and it's time for me to cook Sunday breakfast. Good day to you and until next month! Haha. Wasted five minutes of your life!